Epic Fail!
by Teh Pocky Ninja
Summary: Ahem, good evening ladies. Prepare to be passed out your papers for the written examination to choose the wife of Uchiha Sasuke. This test was personally created by him, so do your best and answer in complete sentences with a number two pencil. Good luck!


**Epic Fail!

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**

1. What makes you think you are eligible for the position of Uchiha matriarch?

**Come ON, how am I NOT? I'd be the perfect wife for Sasuke-kun, I can cook, clean, and give him the best nights he'll ever have! And our kids will be talented shinobi, with his Sharingan and my mind-control skills. I'll give him a lot, I know he wants a bunch!**

_Um, hello? I know him better than any other chick here. He's lonely, he needs female companionship, and love and stuff. And I'd have a million kids for him!_

As the lawfully wedded wife of Uchiha Sasuke, I'd also be his friend, if he'd let me. I'd exist as someone he could talk to, not just a babymaker and housekeeper. Someone he would feel comfortable with letting out his feelings to, because I know he keeps them all bottled up inside…

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2. How long have you known me, and how well?

**Oh come ON, Sasuke-kun (I know you're reading this.) You know me, we went to the Academy together! I'm the cutie, remember?**

_Ok, in this category I'm probably going to lose…oh Sasuke-kun, we haven't been together long, but it feels like years to me! I know your favorite kind of soup, I'll make it for you if you like!_

I've known you for quite some time. It just took you a while to know me. I knew you long ago as the genius, the prodigy. I knew you after that as the broken-hearted boy in need of friendship. More recently, you're our village's best shinobi, the fearless ANBU captain. But underneath all this…you're still the scared little boy with nowhere to run. You may know nothing of me, Sasuke. But I know you better than you think.

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3. Do you already know what I think of you?

**Of course I do. wink, wink!**

_I know you act cold and indifferent, but I get it's an act around the others. Just wait 'till we're alone together, sweetie!_

You ignore me. I'm nothing, I'm the disposable kunoichi who used to trail after you. Frankly, I'm only taking this test to let you know that. Everyone else beside me, they're all scribbling their little love notes in the paper's margins…I don't know if you'll find the one you choose among them, Sasuke.

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4. Exactly how would you treat me in our daily lives if we were married?

**Ooh, I'd get up for you early in the morning, start your breakfast and let you alone (to do your manly grooming), have your food ready when you rush out the door to another mission, keep house for you while you're gone, and welcome you with open arms when you come back!**

_I'd let you be on top!_

You'd be doing your share of the work, whether your pampered, upper-class butt liked it or not. Everyone else in here's writing how they'd cater to your every whim, but don't expect that from me. You eat what I cook, if you whine you sleep on the couch. When I have you a score of kids, you are to be an excellent father, and woe betide you if any of them turn out antisocial and emo because of your lousy parenting.

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5. What qualities do you think you possess that I would find useful?

**You could show me off to all your guy friends, I have such an artistic flair for arranging things, and expect the best cooking, my dear.**

_Twenty kids? All yours, honey. Many, many Sharingan babies._

If you came home with a gaping wound, I could keep you from dying of blood loss. If another man chased after me while you were gone, you could trust me to smash his skull in rather than cheat on you. I may not be able to do as much as some others, but I can and will protect my future husband and children at all costs.

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6. How would you put up with my teammates if I wasn't present?

**Ugh, that Naruto dork and forehead girl? I know how much they bug you, I'd give them the silent treatment. Anybody who's THAT lame shouldn't be associated with people like you and me.**

_I could handle myself if that ugly pink one tried to start a fight, you know it!_

You know how I put up with Naruto and Sai. Naruto babbles about ramen, Sai says something weird or perverted, we take turns yelling at him, then we all look at each other and laugh. It's just the same when you're around, we don't make fun of you behind your back. Naruto and I, quite the opposite. It's usually us defending you from an insult slung by some random shinobi who didn't want you home.

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7. Do you know anything at all about the Uchiha family?

**Of course I do! They're the ones who developed the ocular kekkei-genkai jutsu known as the Sharingan, they used to pretty much RUN the Konoha police department, they were wiped out (except for you, my love!) by Itachi Uchiha (who you totally OWNED), so you're the last one, all by your lonesome (we'll have to fix that!)**

_They're mostly dead but for you._

They're a family of tomato addicts, for one thing. For another, every single one of them (Exclude that sick freak who happened to share the same parents as you from all of this) was a valuable and treasured person who shouldn't have been taken from you. They were renowned for their amazing ninja skills, but they were real people, not just some legendary clan of warriors.

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8. If I were to die, what would you do?

**Oh, I'd cry buckets, my Sasuke-kun! I don't know how I'd live without you!**

_I'd kill anybody who said anything bad about you, and give you the biggest funeral this puny village has ever seen, all for you. But that'd probably never happen, I mean, you're the greatest shinobi in the whole wide world!_

I'd take our children, each and every one of them, hold them tight and tell them Daddy went up to Heaven and we're going to miss him as much as he missed us. But, I'd say, we know he'll always be watching over us as our guardian angel. He'll always protect his family, even if he's gone up to Heaven. Sasuke Uchiha is not the kind of person to betray those closest to him on a whim. He has to have his reasons, and even then he's not putting his whole heart into it. That's why you risked everything to find your way back home, wasn't it?

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9. Can you tell if I'm having an off-day and want to be left alone?

**You don't need to be left alone, honey! I'll make it all better!**

_I'll get rid of anybody who bugs you if you like._

I can most certainly tell. However, my leaving you alone to be emo depends entirely on if you would do the same to me, or give in to your halfway decent side and try to cheer me up.

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10. _Is your name Haruno Sakura?_

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"Mommy? What's this?"

"Hmm? Let's have a look…oh…"

"Mommy? What is it? Why are you smiling?"

"Nothing, sweetie…it's just a little joke Daddy used a long time ago…"

"You mean…that's the paper he got you to marry him with?"

"You know…I think you just might be right. Oh, _Sasuke-kun…_"

"Daddy! Run! Mommy's going to glomp you again!"

"Too late!"

"Um…Daddy, are you ok?"

"I'm fine…hey, why don't you go hang out with Uncle Naruto?"

"Ok!"

"Hmmph…you're so mean, Sasuke-kun."

"Yes I am. Now…where were we?"

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I churn out such fluff :D Hope you liked.


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